gay monogamy

Gay Open Marriages; Gay Monogamy; Gay Couples and Dogs

Gay Open Marriages

After I finished writing the last book in The Rainbow Detective Agency (link below) I wanted to do something different. Something that focused on the romance in a gay marriage as well as some of the reality we often don’t hear about. So I worked the open marriage concept into the story line, and a good deal of book seems to revolve around the concept of gay open marriage. 

And I think the curiosity we have about gay open marriages is that they are rarely ever discussed aloud. But they clearly exist. If you do a search you’ll find so much information about this you won’t know where to start.

I thought this piece from The New York Times was one of the best.

The dirty little secret about gay marriage: Most gay couples are not monogamous. We have come to accept lately, partly thanks to Liza Mundy’s excellent recent cover story in the Atlantic and partly because we desperately need something to make the drooping institution of heterosexual marriage seem vibrant again, that gay marriage has something to teach us, that gay couples provide a model for marriages that are more egalitarian and less burdened by the old gender roles that are weighing marriage down these days.

I think the most important factor with any open marriage…gay or straight…is that every couple sets its own terms…or rules. And remember, we’re talking about men here, not women. Men think differently and it creates a new dynamic when the gender politics changes. I know this because I’m a gay man. I didn’t read it in a book somewhere.

You can read the rest here.  

Gay Monogamy

I think the whole concept of gay open marriage goes hand in hand with gay monogamy, and I also think it’s still too soon to tell anything yet. In other words, gay men weren’t allowed to get married for so long…or even come out of the closet…they did the best they knew how to do. And a good deal of that had to do with rebelling against traditional society. If you ever went to a gay bar in the 80s or 90s you know what I’m talking about.

If you do a simple search for gay monogamy, there’s a lot of information. I thought this was interesting. 

“Can two gay men really have a monogamous relationship?”
This recent question to my advice column echoed what I hear from many of my gay psychotherapy clients. “My boyfriend and I have wanted to be monogamous, but neither of us has been able to totally stop the occasional hookup. It’s taken a toll on our relationship in terms of hurt feelings, trust and closeness.”
Noting how he frequently sees other coupled gay guys playing the field, my letter-writer poignantly asked: “Should I just accept that gay men and monogamy don’t mix, and stop feeling bad?”
– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/gay-men-monogamy-combination-jvinc/#sthash.IPoczH9c.dpuf

Well, guys, this one’s sure to get everyone fired up. It seems, that in the dawn of a new era—that being the age of same-sex marriage—we all want to settle down and finally claim our equal portion of the (hetero-normative) American dream. Or do we? After scouring statistics and polls from numerous sources, what I discovered was interesting. No, all men do not cheat; nor do all gay couples consider monogamy and sexual exclusivity one and the same.

You can check out the rest here.  

It’s a little more complicated than it is with straight couples, and I think that’s because when you remove the gender politics…and don’t let anyone tell you there is gender politics in gay relationships because they don’t know what they’re talking about. There’s some gender politics, but not a lot…you get a different dynamic in the relationship. Once again, the fact is that men think differently than women and that plays a huge part in this discussion, too.

Gay Couples and Dogs

Here’s a video about gay couples and dogs that seems about as accurate as it gets.

If you aren’t a dog person, you undoubtedly know a few. And if you’ve spent even a small amount of time around them — in their home, at the dog park, on the beach perhaps — you’ll recognize how disturbingly accurate the below video from Buzzfeed Animals is.

You can watch this here. It’s a little exaggerated…but not by much!

I have one gay male friend who just doesn’t get it. He’s not a dog person and he looks at the rest of us as if we’ve lost our minds half the time.

The Rainbow Detective Agency Rancho Mirage

In Print and E-book



“Can two gay men really have a monogamous relationship?”
This recent question to my advice column echoed what I hear from many of my gay psychotherapy clients. “My boyfriend and I have wanted to be monogamous, but neither of us has been able to totally stop the occasional hookup. It’s taken a toll on our relationship in terms of hurt feelings, trust and closeness.”
Noting how he frequently sees other coupled gay guys playing the field, my letter-writer poignantly asked: “Should I just accept that gay men and monogamy don’t mix, and stop feeling bad?”
– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/gay-men-monogamy-combination-jvinc/#sthash.IPoczH9c.dpIn any event, here’s something I found about gays and monogamy. 

“Can two gay men really have a monogamous relationship?”
This recent question to my advice column echoed what I hear from many of my gay psychotherapy clients. “My boyfriend and I have wanted to be monogamous, but neither of us has been able to totally stop the occasional hookup. It’s taken a toll on our relationship in terms of hurt feelings, trust and closeness.”
Noting how he frequently sees other coupled gay guys playing the field, my letter-writer poignantly asked: “Should I just accept that gay men and monogamy don’t mix, and stop feeling bad?”
– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/gay-men-monogamy-combination-jvinc/#sthash.IPoczH9c.dpuf

“Can two gay men really have a monogamous relationship?”
This recent question to my advice column echoed what I hear from many of my gay psychotherapy clients. “My boyfriend and I have wanted to be monogamous, but neither of us has been able to totally stop the occasional hookup. It’s taken a toll on our relationship in terms of hurt feelings, trust and closeness.”
Noting how he frequently sees other coupled gay guys playing the field, my letter-writer poignantly asked: “Should I just accept that gay men and monogamy don’t mix, and stop feeling bad?”
– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/gay-men-monogamy-combination-jvinc/#sthash.IPoczH9c.dpuf

Don’t Believe Everything You Read About Gay Men

I wanted to write a post about how the word gay came to be used for homosexual. I found basic articles that left me yawning.

I wanted to find something more exciting…something that had a deep serious meaning because in my lifetime I’ve always used the word gay for homosexual and wasn’t even sure why.

In my search for something dramatic, I found wiki had the best answer. The other articles I found agreed with what I’d read on wiki. After reading all this, for me, gay is a word to describe a very diverse group of people that is a much better word than homosexual, fag, or queer. Plain and simple.

Then I changed my mind and decided to write a post about whether or not gay men can be monogamous and have lasting monogamous relationships. I found nothing but psycho-babble from verbose self-righteous clinical types who wouldn’t know a lasting relationship from the bottom of their asses. I found blog posts about how gay men NEED sex with more than one man, posts about gay men in open-relationships, and gay men who have this instinctive life-long need to cruise back alleys.

Blah, blah, blah.

The only thing I didn’t find were articles or blog posts about gay men who are in long term relationships and who are monogamous. I’m in one. I have many friends who are in monogamous relationships. I don’t disapprove of gay couples with open-relationships, but I wouldn’t want to be in one myself.

I think it’s important to point this out for younger gay men who are curious about these things. When I saw so much misinformation about the subject of monogamy and gay men it really pissed me off. Who are YOU to tell ME that gay men can’t have monogamous relationships? That was my first thought. You’re telling me that studies “say” and I’m telling you what I’ve been doing for twenty years? My second thought: kiss my ass.

Just like with everything, there’s a darker side to gay culture where life itself revolves around sex for pure gratification. It would be inaccurate to dismiss this fact altogether. But I find no issue in dismissing it with regard to how I live my life and how many, many others I know live their lives. Just like all the stereotypes about gay men this stereotype about gay men as sex pirates is just as damaging.

So I decided not to write a post about gay monogamy and instead write about the different sub-genres in gay literature. Guess what? I didn’t find much on that topic other than the basics that were accurate but not well defined. It seemed that each one wanted to put gay authors/readers into a box and lock the lid. Each one was the absolute expert and each one felt this pathetic sense of discrimination. It all sounded to me like, “I’m the victim, you’re the bully.”

And I thought, blah, blah, blah, once again.

Ultimately, I discovered that it doesn’t matter much to me how the word gay came to be used in place of homosexual because it’s just a word and doesn’t define me or anyone I know. It defines a large diverse group of people who are all working hard to achieve similar goals and it’s not as clinical as homosexual.

I discovered that there is a great heap of bad information going around about how gay men are wired to only think about sex first and emotion later. I’m sure that’s true with some gay men…and some hetero men…but it’s not the case with all gay men and monogamy is widely practiced within the gay community.

I also discovered that gay literature is about as broad and diverse as the gay community. The reason why we have genres and sub-genres is to let readers know basically where to look and how to buy their books. It’s a publishing term that all publishing professionals learn to use. Plain and simple, again.

And, the most important thing I discovered while trying to find more information on what I thought would be simple topics was that there are a lot of idiots handing out a lot of bad information that needs to be taken with that provervial grain of SALT.