Category: by Ryan Field

Free Gay Book Allromance; Kink: James Franco; Franco’s Book Review; Florida Marriage Ban; Kristin Chenoweth Gay Marriage;

Kink: James Franco

James Franco has been getting on a lot of nerves lately with the constant self-promotion that’s almost like spamming the world in some cases, not to mention gay baiting. However, he did release something interesting this time and I think it’s worth posting the information here. And only because I think my readers will be interested.

James Franco fine-tunes his kinky image today with the trailer debut for Kink, his most recent completed film project that takes you behind-the-scenes at San Francisco’s Armory, home of, the largest BDSM porn empire on Earth.

I posted about and the PC police earlier this week here. They’re planning a fantasy prison party at SF pride next year and it’s ruffled a few ultra liberal PC feathers, so to speak. Frankly, I think the more they go PC in some cases the less we take them seriously anymore.

Here’s part of the description about Kink, the film. You can read the rest here.

In kink, we discover not only a fascinating and often misunderstood subculture, but also, in a career far from the mainstream, a group of intelligent, charismatic, and driven people who really, truly love what they do.

As an erotic romance writer, and published erotic author in more places than I can count now, I think it’s going to be interesting to see how he handles the topic. When I wrote this piece for the non-fic book, Fifty Writers on Fifty Shades of Grey, I found one that the huge disappointment from people in the lifestyle was that they didn’t think the novel Fifty Shades of Grey did justice to BDSM. Many thought it was a mockery of the lifestyle. Some publications insulted women readers calling it “Mommy Porn.” And, a whole lot of people were down right pissed it was Twilight Fanfic. Let’s hope Franco’s film isn’t more of the same.

Here’s one review for Kink from The Hollywood Reporter.

Here’s another I found interesting.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there are any parts in the film where James Franco is tied up and he gets his sweet little ass spanked.

Franco’s Book Review

In another unrelated piece about James Franco that I saw on social media yesterday, I’m linking to a book review (I think that’s what it is…it could a piece about the author, though) he wrote for an online publication, and the author of the book is William Gay. William Gay is the author’s pen name…according to Franco he’s the twin brother of Cormac McCarthy. I’m sure the name Gay is purely coincidental.

In any event, here’s an excerpt from the review/article:

I was first introduced to Gay’s writing by my former City by the Sea co-star, Anson Mount, who also teaches acting at Columbia University and stars in Hell on Wheels. Mount came to see me on Broadway in Of Mice and Men. Backstage, after the show, we were chatting about movies and literary things. He mentioned this book by a Tennessee writer with the unfortunate title of Twilight. The bookwas released around the same time as the vampire Twilight, which forced it to be talked about with introductions that made it clear it had nothing to do with teen vamps, but was a macabre coming of age story in its right.

You can check out that book here, on Amazon, where there are more in-depth reviews about it. Most seem to be positive. It’s interesting to note that Franco’s own writing talent comes through in this piece, as always, and I find it a shame he doesn’t focus more on that. With Franco, you can see that he knows what he’s doing when he’s writing and that some of it comes naturally as well. That doesn’t happen often.

Florida Marriage Ban

I know more than a few gay couples down in S. Beach, Wilton Manors, and Key West who will be thrilled to hear this, especially those who’ve been together for a long time and own property like straight married couples. They are calling it the most significant ruling on marriage in Florida on the marriage ban. A federal judge…just like the judge here in PA…believes the marriage ban violates the US constitution.

Unfortunately, unlike here in PA where the Governor decided NOT to appeal Judge Jones’ ruling, the judge in FL ordered a stay because of impending appeals. One lone wing nut here in PA, Theresa Santai-Gaffney, an orphans clerk in a small town who was responsible for handing out marriage licenses, did appeal Judge Jones’ ruling and she was shot down every single time with each appeal. Judge Jones never issued a stay.

In any event, it’s interesting to see how the judge in Florida compared the cases.

Hinkle wrote in his ruling: ‘When observers look back 50 years from now, the arguments supporting Florida’s ban on same-sex marriage, though just as sincerely held, will again seem an obvious pretext for discrimination.

‘To paraphrase a civil rights leader from the age when interracial marriage was struck down, the arc of history is long, but it bends toward justice.’

You can read more here.

Kristin Chenoweth Gay Marriage

Kristin Chenoweth recently had a few interesting things to say about gay marriage and Christians. She doesn’t believe that because she’s a Christian she should have to be anti-gay marriage. And she speaks about this in a video released by the HRC.

‘Look, the bottom line is that regardless of how you were made or who you love, you should be able to get married,’ says the actress. ‘I truly believe it is that simple and I’ll keep speaking out until marriage is an equal right nationwide.’

I think she nails something very interesting, which is the fact that there’s a divide between Christians with regard to gay marriage. And the obvious fact that many gay people are, indeed, Christian.

You can read more here.

Free Gay Book

This weekend I’m offering a long, overdue sale on with one of my newest novels, Cage James. I’m putting it up for free on Saturday and Sunday, which I’ll post more about over the weekend. I usually find that readers see these things themselves…for the most part. But I like to give a heads up to those who don’t here on the blog.

Here’s the Allromance link…all product information about the book is there and ARe always does a good job describing everything in detail.

Gay Male Secrets; Top Or Bottom Quiz; Internal Desires by Ryan Field

Gay Male Secrets

This article talks about assimilation, heteronormativity, and how with gaining more equality gay culture has shifted a little. But it also gets into a few secrets no one talks about much anymore. According to this article, secrets gay men don’t tell straight people. I’m not quite sure about all of them. But some are accurate.

Of course bottoming is number one on the list:

There, I said it. Bottoming is fucking great. Yes, it hurts every time. Yes it is sometimes messy (Santorum is just not a candidate in Iowa). But it is always fucking worth it. There are lots of guys who only like to bottom. There are lots of couples that are both bottoms and they take turns begrudingly topping. There are also lots of tops who only like to top. Topping is fun too. But if topping is like a merry-go-round, then bottoming is like the best fucking roller coaster you’ve ever been on in your life. The weird thing is “power bottom” isn’t just some stupid straight boy insult, the gays use it too. There’s some sort of shame about being a bottom, like it makes us less manly and that straight people won’t take us seriously. That is probably true, but those feelings are wrapped in all this heteronormative, patriarchal bullshit that straight society has thrust upon us, and we hate you for making us feel bad about something that is better than chasing a million dragons. And, yes, straight guys, let your lady stick a finger up there sometime, and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I promise not to make you feel like less of a man for it.

This is where I question a few things. I’m not saying it’s inaccurate; just a little one-sided. There is NO reason why bottoming should hurt EVERY single time if you know what you’re doing and you’re into the man you’re doing it with. That’s one of the biggest well-kept secrets: being into the top guy so much you can’t wait to do it. But I don’t disagree with the general point of this paragraph.

You can read the rest here. I found the one about gay men not liking drag queens as much as straight people like them interesting. I only like good drag. If it’s bad, I’m out the door.

Top Or Bottom Quiz

I have always found that some gay men aren’t exactly sure whether they are tops or bottoms. I know that sounds hard to believe, but it isn’t always in black and white. There are gray areas and I’m sure a lot of gay men would agree with me. This quiz is supposed to help gay men who are confused about this come to a conclusion. It’s also NSFW. You’ve been warned. I also add one more question from my personal experience.

Question number six is interesting:

Have you ever fingered yourself?

Yes, I liked it. (and still do it occasionally)
Yes, but I didn’t like it
No, but I really want to/ I know i will enjoy it.
The thought never even crossed my mind.  NO WAY

So is this one (I’m not posting the answers here):

Your mate and you are kissing and naked.  What happens next?

Frankly, I didn’t see the one question I think is most important. It’s also the simplest and the least vulgar. From my personal experience:

When you’re making out with a guy and still fully clothed, are you on your back and do your legs naturally spread and go up?

I’ve never seen it fail.

You can read more here and take the test.

Internal Desires
by Ryan Field
.99 Amazon E-book
Amazon Review:Ryan Filed knows how to write short stories that are hot. This was a quick read with steamy sex. Mr. Field impressed me with his “Chase of a Lifetime” series. I look forward to more books like that from him.

How to Gay Bottom Well; Big, Bad and On Top by Ryan Field

How to Gay Bottom Well

I figured since I’m posting on this topic a lot lately I’d add this link for anyone interested. It’s a piece about how to bottom like a pro. I know when I was younger I didn’t have a clue and dads don’t usually take their sons aside and give them the facts of life about gay sex. I’m sure that’s going to change in the future. But I would imagine most gay men learned about sex the same way I did. Hit or miss.

I know this first link is really more like an advertorial for a book, but I’m breaking my rule about advertorials this once because I didn’t see anything on this web site that I didn’t agree with. It also gets into things like poppers, which are a big part of gay culture but rarely ever talked about.

Here’s a link to this one.

Now here’s a link that gets into more detail (and it’s less complicated) and you don’t have to buy a book. You don’t want to be a sloppy bottom. There’s nothing worse. This one example alone is something I’ve mentioned in my books because I think it’s important and it’s something that’s usually laughed at or ignored completely. For those who don’t think this is serious, think again. There are gay men out there wondering right now what it’s all about. I was watching a talk show with those two gay guys from Canada, Steve and Chris, earlier this evening and they talked about love, romance, and all kinds of crap with some therapist, but never once mentioned a thing about sex. And I’d bet money that at least one of them is a bottom.

Preparation is the most important step for a bottom. You take time to do your hair and pick your outfit, so you should also take time to prepare your sphincter. Many bottoms debate over douching, but some kind of cleaning is definitely appreciated. Prior to meeting up with your top, either douche, use an enema (neither of these should be done daily) or simply sit in a soap free bathtub and clean the area. Do not ever use soap to clean yourself with as this can cause massive irritation.

I’d just like to add three things: eat less if you know you’re bottoming, and don’t forget those condoms and lube. Never trust a guy who says he’ll pull out in time. Most men aren’t that gifted. But they’ll all tell you they’ll pull out in time. Don’t trust them. And you don’t want to do it without lube unless you’re very experienced. Just trust me on that one.

And, here’s a great video on the topic.

Big Bad and On Top by Ryan Field

This is my gay Top Gun book. There is plenty of talk about bottoming in this book.

Duke’s driven by his ambition to be the best fighter pilot in the Navy, not the fact that he’s a closeted gay man. But he’s garnered a reputation for being overly aggressive and far too impulsive. He likes to think the chances he takes are heroic and wise, but there are many in the Navy who think he’s reckless and irresponsible.

And when the Navy sends Duke to the most rigorous flight class in the world, he becomes even more aggressive in order to be the big, bad “top gun” everyone expects him to be. But while he’s working hard to be number one, he meets an attractive young civilian flight instructor named Jaime who turns his entire life upside down. Though it starts out as a harmless flirtation, their connection becomes so intense Duke begins to wonder whether or not he can continue to abide by the rules of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

After a serious accident that leaves Duke so devastated he can barely fly a plane, Duke begins to question his goals, his ferocious need to be number one, and his unyielding devotion to a military that refuses to treat him with dignity and equality. He realizes the only good thing that has ever happened to him was falling in love with Jaime, and he discovers he has two choices. Both have the potential to change his and Jaime’s lives forever, and both come with serious consequences. But he can only choose one. And even while Duke is wrestling with the biggest decision of his life, his passion for Jaime burns hotter than ever.

Allromanceebooks Link

Penis Size and Gay Men; Joan Rivers Goes Too Far? More Gays Than Lesbians; Down the Basement by Ryan Field

Penis Size and Gay Men

Of course this is about penis size once again, and it’s not really an article. But I often find that forums where people talk about topics like this can be far more honest and realistic than those “studies” we see mentioned in magazines and posts.

In this case the topic is how gay men feel about penis size. If you are of the sensitive variety, you’ve been warned this isn’t what you’ll find in any text book.

Why would anyone want a small one?\ \ I hate seeing a pencil dick or tiny little thing and thinking, yuck. Especially when you’re expecting a good one.\ \ Aesthetic yes…just looking at one of those monsters gets my mouth a’waterin.

But to be perfectly honest, I don’t think any of these things (the studies or the forums) are very accurate. Every single comment could be disputed. Deep down would most people be willing to admit, openly, they would prefer a small penis over a large one? I’m not talking about those with specific preferences. I’m talking about the millions out there on Grindr and social networks and porn sites. 

You can read more here. None of the opinions on this link reflect my personal opinions. 

Joan Rivers Goes Too Far?

Update: Link to Fredricka Whitfield’s Facebook page where people have been leaving comments about Whitfield’s interview with Rivers. It’s interesting because most seem to be one-sided.

Update 2: Evidently, Joan Rivers used the “tranny” word, which I’ve posted about many times before. This wasn’t in the original link or I would have mentioned it. I don’t use the T word, but many still do. They feel it’s part of their culture. But I still don’t think referring to anyone as gay or trans should be considered a slur and I think we should all rethink that. This isn’t about Joan Rivers or Michelle Obama or even a word. This is about trans abuse, much of which seems to be coming from the LGBTI community.

Iconic performer, Joan Rivers, made headlines twice recently. She was promoting her new book with a snarky CNN reporter, Fredricka Whitfield, and stormed off the set in the middle of the interview, and then when she made interesting comments about the President and his wife.

I have some very strong opinions on this I’ll post at the end.

CNN’s Fredericka Whitfield goaded Rivers during an interview that was supposed to be about her new book with questions about how mean Rivers is on Fashion Police. 

When the anchor described the fashion critiques as “very mean in some ways,” the 81-year-old cut her off.

“It’s not mean, it’s not mean, it’s not mean,” she said. “I tell the truth.”

“I’m sure I say the same things that all your viewers say to their friends sitting next to them on the couch,” Rivers added.

“We’re one of the few shows that says ‘that’s an ugly dress.’ … These ladies make $28 million a picture. You really think that Nicki Minaj cares I didn’t like her dress?”

You can read more here about that.   Frankly, that PC attitude of all CNN reporters is why I haven’t watched CNN since they gave Joy Behar her own TV show. I still won’t watch CNN even though Behar’s show was canceled for lack of ratings.

Even more interesting is this next piece about Rivers commenting on the President and his wife.

The comedian known for her lack of self-censoring recently officiated a same-sex wedding and was asked by a photographer if she believed the United States would ever see the first gay or female president. Her response was typical Rivers.

“We already have it with Obama, so let’s just calm down,” she said. “You know Michelle (Obama) is a trans.”

This didn’t sit well with many people. Here’s my issue.

So Joan Rivers makes a comment about the President being gay and the First Lady being trans and people are getting upset? Does this mean there’s something wrong with gay people and trans people? Is it a negative reflection on the Obamas to be compared to anyone in the LGBT community? I find it highly insulting as a gay man to think anyone would find these comments as negative. We already know that Joan Rivers has always been a huge supporter of the LGBTI community. I don’t understand what motivated Rivers to make the comments. But comments like this should not be associated with shame or disrespect. There’s nothing shameful or disrespectful about being gay or transgender, not even for the President and First Lady…unless, of course, you belong to the Westboro Baptist Church.  

There’s more here. This article calls it a trans slur. Yes. Liberal Huff Po calls it a trans slur. And the only slur I find is that the article calls it a slur.

I think this is the kind of double standard from liberal media that bothers me the most. We’ll support you, LGBTI people, but just don’t call our President gay or trans. At least we know where we stand with the conservative media.

More Gays Than Lesbians

This is another one of those articles I always seem to think might be flawed. It’s focused on how the average person in Britain knows more gay men than lesbians.

 Statistics show the average British person knows 5.5 gay men and 3.1 lesbian women. The poll only focused on these two aspects of the LGBTI community.

It gives more detail here. This part is even more interesting. The average LGBTI person knows 21.6 gay men and 10.3 lesbian women. Location plays a huge part, too.

I take none of these studies seriously because I would bet half of all gays, men and women, still aren’t out of the closet.

Down the Basement
by Ryan Field

Amazon Review:

Ryan Field is top of the class when it comes to cross dressing and female attire erotica and this is one of his hottest. The sense of danger as Rush takes care of the drunken jocks who could suddenly discover his secret and beat him up is palpable as is the erotic tension. The situation is plausible and the ‘surprise’ ending is a nice touch.

Sexy Naked Men From the 70’s; iPhone Photo Awards; Rick Santorum’s Gay Rant; The Buckhampton Country Club and the Rogue Prince by Ryan Field

Sexy Naked Men From the 70’s

Here’s a link to an article about sexy naked men from the 1970’s. I honestly didn’t recognize one single name, however, the interesting thing is that they all have the 70’s look even though they aren’t wearing clothing from the 70’s. I guess it’s the hair.

Australian women’s magazine Cleo has been known for its naked centrefolds, amongst other things, since the 1970s. Here are some of the very best. With best meaning, well, you’ll see…

You can read more here and view a nice handful of photos, no pun intended.

I found the guy named George Loring one of the most attractive.

iPhone Photo Awards

I got this link from my butch straight male friend, Jordan. For all his straightness, he actually has good taste in photos and art. That stereotype that makes the claim that all gay men have great taste is a HUGE myth. I know plenty of gay men who are just as tacky and cheesy as some straight men…if not more so in some cases.

On 10 June 2014 the iPhone Photography Awards (IPPAWARDS) announced the winners of their 7th Annual Contest in the Photographers of the Year and following seventeen categories: Animals, Architecture, Children, Flowers, Food, Landscape, Lifestyle, Nature, News/Events, Others, People, Seasons, Still Life, Sunset, Travel and Trees.

This year’s winning entries were submitted by photographers from 17 countries. You can view all of the winning photographers here.

You can read more and see the photos here.

For most of my life I never bothered with photos of any kind…taking them. I never had the patience or the inclination. But when I discovered my iPhone (and iPad) and the quality of the photos I could get, I couldn’t stop taking pictures.

Rick Santorum’s Gay Rant

Those who follow this blog know that I rarely ever post anything about people like the failed presidential candidate, Rick Santorum. I always think, why bother? He lost the senatorial race in Pennsylvania, too, in 2006. Most recently he’s become known as the guy who is opposed to gay marriage and he thinks of it as a fight to the finish…or good against evil.

 “You now see situations with bakers and florists and photographers who are being forced to provide services for same-sex weddings or get fined, lose their business.

Frankly, I wouldn’t ask anyone who opposed gay marriage to create a wedding cake design for me because I wouldn’t trust their taste or their skills. The odds are if they are that hooded about gay marriage and equal rights (and that dumb about running a profitable business) their cakes are most likely going to resemble Entenmanns…basic fare. But more than that, the very same rules and laws that require bakers to make cakes for all US citizens regardless of sexual orientation, sex, race, or religion are the very same laws that keep gay people from refusing to do business with right wing Christian zealots. Gay people in business can’t refuse anyone either. We can’t even set up gay only senior retirement communities because that would be discrimination. It has to be called Gay Friendly. But good old Ricky doesn’t seem to think we have to follow the law either.

“They are fighting, they are fighting, they are not backing away, they are coming at us.

“How many people do we have saying we’ve already lost the marriage issue? We haven’t even lost yet! We have to understand that if we don’t engage with this war, we will lose this war.”

We are fighting? What does THAT mean? I spent the day in New York at Memorial Sloan Kettering dealing with a family member with cancer…and Tony will be doing that on Thursday with another family member with breast cancer. We’ve worked hard all our lives, never once asked for a handout, and have always paid our fair share of taxes just like everyone else. All we’re asking for is equal rights…basic rights everyone in the US is supposed to have. We’ve never marched in a pride event, held up a picket sign, or challenged anything on a grand scale.

This guy sounds as if he’s gone unhinged. As for the winning or losing, that was decided by SCOTUS last June and since that time, state by state, the federal laws have defined what it constitutional or not with regard to same sex marriage bans much the same way they defined women voting almost 100 years ago.

You can read more about Ricky here.

And this article talks about Rick Santorum’s wife’s alleged affair with an abortion doctor when she was in her early 20’s and the doctor was in his mid-60’s.  I know nothing about this but there’s the article and that’s the link. Both Santorum and his wife are now strong pro-lifers. No one’s perfect.  I’d just like to know what the woman sees in Rick Santorum. He could be the last man on earth and I wouldn’t sleep with him. Maybe the anti-gays should use a photo of HIM in conversion therapy wearing the bad sweaters and dad jeans.

The Buckhampton Country Club and the Rogue Prince
by Ryan Field

Parrish Bundy has just lost his father, and gained a traveling circus, a chocolate factory, and plenty of power and money. As the heir to the Bundy empire, Parrish knows the rules- but now that he’s in charge, he plans to make changes. And now that he owns one of the most prestigious country clubs in the east, The Buckhampton Country Club on eastern Long Island, he’s finally able to let his hair down.

Across the Atlantic in a small European country there lives a handsome young prince named Richard who is even more dissatisfied with his controlled life than Parrish. Richard has always been aware of his royal obligations, and he’s always put his people and his country before his own needs- still he longs to know what it’s like to be a normal gay man who has the ability to choose his own destiny.

When the two men meet by happenstance, sparks fly in the hushed environment of the Buckhampton Country Club. But will social responsibilities, long-standing family rules, and deeply ingrained royal obligations ruin their chances to spend the rest of their lives together? And will they be able to overcome the harsh realities of being openly gay in the public eye in order to live their lives they way they want to live them?

FREE Gay Excerpt; Mr. Gay Europe; Cat Cafes in Europe; Dangers in Gay Cruising

Mr. Gay Europe

There’s a contest where gay men compete to become Mr. Gay Europe, and a UK man named Stuart Hatton Jr. is in the race this year. He recently discovered something hugely flattering in his own small town in the UK. They put up a roadside message supporting him.

‘I’M OVERWHELMED!’ wrote Hatton Jr. ‘The road signs in my home town of South Shields say ‘VOTE STUART HATTON’. Oh my goodness you have no idea how I’m feeling right now. It’s amazing. Thanks South Tyneside. Wish I was there to see it. Greetings from Austria. Voting closes tomorrow.’

You can read more here. There’s a photo of Hatton, too.

Cat Cafes in Europe

Who would have thought that Cat Cafes would ever become popular. May she rest in peace, our cat who lived to be 18 years old would have loved this. I can just hear the hisses and growls now. And, it seems there are long waiting lists to get into these places.

Finding it very difficult to avoid feline puns, we combed through a selection of Europe’s most popular cat cafes for some do’s and don’ts. We were unable to visit, as many have waiting lists up to two months! But don’t let that deter you from getting some face time with these furry friendlies.

You can read more here. They list a few places if you’re interested in checking them out.

Dangers in Gay Cruising

There’s a film out that’s being touted as a French gay thriller that mentions the dangers involved with gay cruising. It’s titled, Stranger by the Lake, and it won the Queer Palm award.

The film is a mix of beach sunsets, steamy encounters and brutal murders by renowned ‘bad boy’ of French cinema, director Alain Guiraudie, who won the award for Best Director at Cannes.

There’s more here, with photos and clips. I think it look interesting. The problem is figuring out how to actually see it. We used to have a very progressive video store in New Hope, for years. But like all video stores they shuttered a few years ago and it’s not easy to get access to films like this as quickly as it used to be. I doubt I’ll see this one on Verizon on demand. 

FREE Gay Excerpt Four Gay Weddings and a Funeral by Ryan Field

This is an excerpt from my book, Four Gay Weddings and a Funeral. It’s a gay parody very loosely based on the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. It’s not fanfic. I’m not a fan of the film or the way it was done. It’s a sexy, erotic, satiric, and at times emotional take on a classic storyline done for gay people and those who like to read about gay people.

This is the unedited raw version because HTML doesn’t like converting PDF. But the content of the pubbed version is the same.

When the weight lifter left, Neil was struggling with the pants on his rented tuxedo. His hands were moving so fast he couldn’t get the suspenders on. His white shirt was still sticking out of his pants and he hadn’t even bothered with underwear. The weight lifter slapped his ass and said, “Maybe we’ll see each other around sometime. I had fun.”

            Neil fastened one of the suspenders to his pants and laughed. It was all so casual and pointless. His life had come down to nothing more than having sex with strange men and going to weddings. If he’d had the time that morning, he might have sat down and wondered what was wrong. But he smiled and said, “I had fun, too. Sorry I was in such a rush this morning. See you around, man.” He knew he’d probably never see him again and he was fine with this. It wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last.

            A few minutes after that, Neil grabbed his car keys and wallet and met Thai on the front steps. “How do I look?”

            She reached up and adjusted his tie. “You look gorgeous as usual,” she said. “No one would even know you just climbed out of bed with another Jersey Shoreguy.

            He laughed. His friends often teased him about his taste in men. They almost always looked the same…big, hot, and not too bright. Neil had a thing for macho types with dark hair. And they weren’t always that easy to find. “He bought me a drink last night. He was a nice guy.”

            “I’m sure he was,” Thai said. “How do I look?”

She was wearing a hideous yellow bridesmaid’s dress with a big white flower on the sash and a huge bow at the base of her spine. Thai had never been able to lose that punk rock-emo look from high school. And she now worked in the garment district where the dress code was loose enough to wear anything. Her bright red spiked hair and silver gothic jewelry looked so out of place with that tasteless yellow dress it caused a pull in Neil’s stomach. The long black fingernails didn’t help. But he smiled and said, “You look beautiful for someone who just woke up.”

She punched him in the chest. “I look like Little Bo Peep on fucking LSD and you know it. I’d like to know what happened to that stereo type that says all gay men are tasteful and know fashion. Because these piss yellow bridesmaid’s dresses that Kevin and Larsen chose are worse than what I wore for my cousin Tina’s wedding in New Jersey. And they were fucking lavender.”

Neil would have agreed with her if there’d been time. But it was pushing eleven o’clock and they were originally supposed to be in Sag Harbor by noonto make sure everything went smoothly. As it stood now, barring any major complications on the road, they’d get there just in time for the wedding to start. So he grabbed her by the arm and led her down the stairs. They walked so fast to Neil’s parking garage they almost ran. Thankfully, it was a cool morning in May and they didn’t have to worry about sweating. In August, this would have been a nightmare. But when they climbed into Neil’s black Jeep Wrangler and the motor wouldn’t turn over, Neil’s stomach jumped sideways.

“What’s wrong?” Thai asked. “Are you out of gas?”

Neil tried to start the Jeep again and all he heard was a soft ticking sound. “I think the battery is dead.”

“This is a new car,” Thai said. “You just bought it last September.”

Neil shrugged. “I guess I left the lights on again.” He’d done this twice in the past month. He didn’t drive often in the city, but he liked having a car in New York so he could get out of town on weekends and visit friends in Long Island and Pennsylvania. He opened his door and said, “We’d better take your car.”

“Are you serious?” Thai asked. “I haven’t driven that car in a month. We’ll look like a couple of fucking idiots.”

Thai liked keeping a car in New York, too. But only because she’d inherited it from her grandmother and couldn’t part with it. It was a white l985 Cadillac Eldorado, with spiked chrome wheels and one of those exaggerated spare tire compartments on the trunk lid. People teased her about it all the time, partly because the car was falling apart and partly because it looked like the kind of car a pimp would have driven in l985.

Neil climbed out of the Jeep and shrugged. “We don’t have much of a choice. A taxi would cost a fortune.”

So they crossed the street and ran three blocks down to the cheaper outdoor garage where Thai parked the Eldorado. Neil took the keys from her hand and they climbed inside and put on their seatbelts. The car didn’t start on the first try. It didn’t start on the second either. But when he turned the key a third time the old motor came to life with a deep growl and he slipped it into gear.

For an old car, this one had more power than Neil’s brand new Jeep. When he made a right turn, he heard a strange growl coming from the rear end. The entire car jerked and lunged a few times before they got onto the LIE, and the brakes squeaked and squealed every time he had to stop at a traffic light. But traffic wasn’t too heavy on the LIE and Neil reached Sag Harborin record breaking time. Of course he had to drive on the shoulder a few times. And he had to weave in and out of traffic so often people flipped him the bird every five minutes. But he pulled up to the church just as the groom was getting out of the limousine and parked sideways between a black Bentley and a navy blue Jaguar. Thai said she would have parked that car behind the church where no one could see it. But Neil said they were too late to care about what anyone thought.

Kevin and Larson were one of those gay couples where the lines were clearly drawn. Kevin had the tool kit and he fixed the toaster. Larson had the cookware and he made the made the toast. And they never mixed things up. Kevin worked in the athletic department where he and Neil had gone to college. And Larson was part owner of a small floral boutique in the West Village. Kevin wore plaid shirts and lumbered down the sidewalk with heavy strides; Larson wore pale cotton prints and was so light on his feet it often looked as if they weren’t even touching the sidewalk. It was no surprise to Neil that Larson wore the pure white tuxedo that day and that he was the one walking down the aisle, holding a massive bouquet of white roses with rainbow streamers that fell to his knees.

Neil and Thai unfolded from the car and Thai asked Neil to zip up her dress. Then they jogged up to the limousine just as Larson’s mother and father were getting out. Craig and Luke, two more good friends, were already there to greet Larson. Craig and Luke had been together for a long time. Though Craig was fifteen years older than Luke and he had the silver hair and paunch to prove it, they balanced each other so well Neil often thought of them as the most perfect couple he knew, gay or straight. And whether they were legally married or not, Neil would always think of them as the perfect couple.

Neil noticed that Larson’s white groom’s tuxedo was a little too tight around his full waist and his hair had been styled with a little too much product. It looked too stiff and shiny. And he’d had it styled in that new, trendy way, where the hair on top of his head gathered to form a point that reminded Neil of a Mohawk. This was a huge mistake in Neil’s opinion. The only men who could pull off a hair style like that well were flawless male models, not floral designers who were twenty-five pounds overweight. But try telling that to a gay man on the morning of his wedding after he’d spent a small fortune getting botox injections. And the white bouquet of roses Larson held made Neil wince for a second. If Neil were getting married, which he had no intention of doing any time soon, he wouldn’t have done things this way. But he’d learned a long time ago to keep his mouth shut when it came to weddings.   

As usual, Larson was so nervous his hands were shaking, which made the streamers on the bouquet dangle like strands of wilted spaghetti. Neil overheard Larson asking people if he looked fat and the people were sending him reassuring smiles and telling him he’d never look better in his life. When Larson asked Craig if his hairstyle was too trendy, Craig smiled and said, “You have the face for it, sweetie.” Then Craig glanced at Neil and rolled his eyes. Neil wasn’t certain of this, because he was closer to Kevin than Larson, but he had a feeling the stocky woman in the light blue frilly affair was Larson’s mother. All Larson needed was a matching pill box hat and some lipstick and he could have been her twin sister.

When Larson saw Neil and Thai red-faced and out of breath, he pressed his palm to his chest and said, “Why aren’t you up there with Kevin, Neil? You’re supposed to be waiting for me. You’re the best man. I can’t believe you’re late.” Then he threw his arms up over his head and Luke jumped in and started to pat his back to calm him down.

Neil didn’t stop to talk. He didn’t want Larson asking him any dumb questions. Besides, Larson’s voice was filled with panic and Neil didn’t want to upset him. He just grabbed Larson’s arms and said, “You look gorgeous. Great hair. I’ll see you inside.” Then Neil left Thai with the other bridesmaid’s and ran into the church to stand at the alter next to Kevin.

On his way in, Neil spotted two more good friends sitting at the back of the church, Portia, a tall elegant young woman with straight blond hair who worked in publishing, and Mark, an extremely good looking guy who worked with Neil in the same school teaching the hearing impaired. Mark looked like the actor, Matt Damon, and was almost completely deaf. Neil greeted Mark by signing with his hands. He hugged and kissed Portia on the cheek and complimented her flamboyant black hat. It was an elaborate, wide-brimmed affair with a leopard ribbon. Way too much for most women. She looked more like she was going on a Greek cruise than a wedding on Long Island. All she needed were big dark sunglasses and a long cigarette holder to finish the outfit. But this is one of the reasons why she always had so many gay friends, especially gay men. For some of them, Portia was the drag queen they’d always wanted to be.  

 By the time Neil reached the alter, Kevin was talking to two other guys in the wedding party. When he glanced back over his shoulder and saw Neil approaching, he sighed with relief and said, “I was just about to get another best man. What happened to you?”

“I’m sorry, man,” Neil said. “We hit traffic.” He couldn’t say he’d overslept in the arms of a well hung weight lifter from Brooklyn. He couldn’t tell his best friend the backs of his legs were still sore from getting fucked so many times the night before by this weight lifter from Brooklyn.

Kevin took a closer look at him. He fixed his tie and said, “Why are your lips all swollen?”

“Allergic reaction to a peanut I ate this morning,” Neil said. “I’ll live.” He’d never been allergic to anything in his life. He’d been hearing a lot about peanut allergies lately with the kids at his school. He couldn’t tell Kevin his lips were still swollen because he’d been sucking the weight lifter’s cock all night. Being allergic to peanuts seemed plausible.

The two other guys hugged Neil and went to the back of the church. Neil knew one of them was related to Larson. But he wasn’t sure where the other guy had come from. He’d learned that weddings were like this. They huddled people who didn’t know each other together for one day and then he wouldn’t see them again until the next wedding.

When Kevin and Neil sat down in the first row, Kevin asked, “How is Larson holding up?”

Neil laughed. “You don’t want to know.”

“I was afraid of that,” Kevin said. “He’s been so high strung about this wedding.” There were beads of perspiration around Kevin’s temples and his face was bright red. He didn’t seem to be holding up too well either. “I told him we should have just gone down to city hall and kept it simple. But not Larson. He wanted a huge wedding and he wanted it to be in a gay church. He said it was the most important day of his life and he wanted the wedding he’d always dreamed about as a child.”

While Kevin was rambling on about the frustrations associated with weddings, Neil glanced back over his shoulder to see what was happening and he noticed a tall man with medium blond hair walk into the church. The man wore a light gray suit and he held his head higher than everyone else around him. Neil turned around and said, “These people who just waltz into weddings late irritate me beyond words.”

Kevin sent him a glare and blinked. Then the organist began to play Here Comes the Brideand Neil rolled his eyes. Even Cannon in D, though a cliché by now, would have been a better choice for a gay wedding. When the guests stood up and turned around, Larson was standing at the back of the church with his father. Thankfully, Larson had forgone the white veil and the white peau de soie pumps. Other than that, Larson wanted to follow tradition right down to the last letter, which included having his father give him away. Neil wasn’t so sure about this either. Even though Neil’s parents were dead, Neil would have done it differently if they’d been alive. Does anyone really need to be given away after the age of twenty-one?

When Larson and his father began to slowly walk down the aisle, keeping with the beat of the organist, Kevin leaned into Neil’s side and whispered, “You have the rings, don’t you?”

Neil felt a wave of panic rush through his body. But he smiled, patted his pocket, and said, “Right here in my pocket. No problems, buddy.”

Kevin wiped a drop of perspiration from his brow. “Well that’s a huge relief.”

Neil continued to smile. But his face grew hot and his heart started beating faster. When he’d patted his pocket, there was nothing there. And then he remembered he’d left the rings in the glove compartment of his Jeep the day before, knowing they would be safe there in case he forgot to bring them. He never did things like this. He was always responsible and dependable. Neil bit his bottom lip and glanced back and saw that Larson was now in the middle of the aisle, smiling and nodding at guests he passed along the way. If Larson hadn’t been holding the bouquet, Neil had a feeling he might have been sending people the Queen of England’s wave.

Neil gulped and swallowed. Thai and the other two bridesmaids were right behind Larson and they seemed to be gaining momentum. He had no idea what he was going to do about the rings. This was the kind of thing that could send Larson into a full fledged panic. He might even pass out right there at the alter and ruin the wedding. Neil wasn’t wearing any jewelry himself that day so he couldn’t even offer a ring of his own. Neil had to come up with something fast, otherwise Kevin would never forgive him for ruining his wedding day.
Four Gay Weddings and a Funeral
by Ryan Field