Vermont Wedding Photos; The State of Marriage Documentary by Jeff Kaufman

Vermont Wedding Photos; The State of Marriage Documentary by Jeff Kaufman

I received a few photos from film producer, Jeff Kaufman, today of our wedding in Vermont last month and wanted to share. I’ve already posted about the wedding here, and below I’ll post more about the documentary, The State of Marriage, with an excerpt Jeff e-mailed to me with award winning playwright, Terrence McNally, and his partner, Tom Kirdahy. It’s an interesting interview I think most same sex couples can relate to. And we were honored to be part of the documentary and have someone like Vermont Supreme Court Justice, Beth Robinson, perform our ceremony.

Tony and I cutting the cake
Toasting with Beth Robinson, Vermont Supreme Court Justice
View of Phineas Swann Inn, Montgomery Center, VT, where the ceremony took place
Before the ceremony with Beth Robinson and the owners of Phineas Swann, Darren and Lynn
Beth Robinson
The Wedding Cake

Me putting the ring on Tony during the ceremony

The State of Marriage Documentary and Interview with Terrence McNally and Tom Kirdahy



Marriage is choosing to spend your life with someone and thinking of the two of you as “us.”

Us becomes more important than me. It’s sharing your life with someone, and that includes

everything. The lack of marriage (I called our civil union “marriage”) before this had a

greater stress on our relationship than I ever realized. Our civil union and marriage changed

the level of our relationship. It’s so much better. We didn’t get married to get happier, but we

are happier. Everything is so much better. We’re more honest. We’re more connected.


Frankly, a lot of our love affair happened (when Terrence had cancer) in Sloan Kettering.

When Vermont happened, when civil unions happened, we thought we want to be as married

as two men can be in this country. We wanted to be as committed to each other as is humanly

and legally possible. We’d been through so much and we’d heard about this great inn in

Vermont. I don’t think either of us fully knew how profound that moment would be when we

said those words out loud, “In sickness and in health” and “I do.”


Until you actually look someone in the eye and say, “In sickness and in health, until death do

us part,” well, it’s a profound human experience. When I met Tom, marriage wasn’t even a

possibility. I could write about it in plays, men getting married, but to think it could be a

reality, that seemed impossible. It was after we went to Vermont for the legal part of it, that

the emotional impact hit me. We stood in the living room of a country inn and a justice of the

peace married (civil unioned) us, and it was snowing. Saying “I am there for you for the rest

of my life” is a very profound pledge to make to someone. And it makes me feel safer, more

protected, happier, calmer . . . I’m not alone in the world. I have a husband, and I hope I

make Tom feels the same way. As much as I love Tom, I never had that feeling until I stood

in Vermont in that inn and said the words to each other. We were both surprised. We came

back from Vermont changed men in a changed relationship.

I’ll post more about the documentary as I get the info. I think it’s going to be something interesting if this interview is any indication of the content. And I haven’t been as comfortable or impressed with someone in a long time as I was with Jeff Kaufman. What a great guy. As for Vermont and Montgomery Center, it really is a magical place to be and that made our wedding even more significant…if that was even possible.  

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