Here’s an excerpt from THE WAY WE ALMOST WERE. This is from the beginning of the book, where the main character is going through a typical day at work. Only his work isn’t typical at all. He’s one of the stars of a bawdy TV reality show, where he does idiotic stunts and pranks, like skateboarding over a hot dog vendor in Times Square.
Excerpt:
When Mikey stood on his mark and shouted, “Action,” Allan became Acer. He bobbed up and down for a few minutes, joking around with the other actor, acting as if he’d just returned from a drunken frat house party. His goal was too look as stupid as possible, and to show that he was willing to do any prank they dared him to do.
Mikey began to explain the scene with his deep announcer’s voice. Acer and the actor mounted the skateboards, went to the top of one ramp, and then started racing downward toward the other wooden ramp in front of the pretzel vendor and the monkey. They remained at a controlled equal distance until the last minute, and then Acer slowed down on purpose. When they reached the pretzel cart, the vendor jumped back and the poor monkey wrapped his arms around the vendor’s neck and screamed. Acer ducked and spread his arms out to maintain his balance. The stocky guy gained a five foot lead on Acer, made the leap first, and fell into the middle of the vat of mustard.
A second later, with a large group of people watching everything from the street, Acer was soaring over the pretzel cart and into the vat of mustard. The stocky actor, by then, was covered with yellow goop from head to toe. When Acer landed next to him, he wrapped his arms around the guy’s shoulders and his legs around the guy’s waist. The camera followed them; they got a good shot of the stocky guy placing his hand on Acer’s ass. It looked accidental and innocent.
The actor shouted, “Dude, I just grabbed your butt. Get the fuck off me.” Then he pushed Acer back into the mustard and laughed. The people on the street watching the scene laughed even harder. Then Acer and the actor pretended they couldn’t get their balance in the vat of mustard and continued groping each other by accident. Allan fell and pressed his check against the actor’s penis; the actor bucked his hips on purpose and laughed about it. Allan knew this would be one of the bawdier scenes they’d done.
When the scene was almost over, a couple of assistants ran to the mustard vat and helped Acer and the actor climb out. When they were on the sidewalk, covered in yellow mustard from head to toe, Mikey ran over and shouted, “Okay guys, hose them down now.”
Acer’s eyes opened wide. He looked at the other actor and shrugged his shoulders. As far as he’d been told, the scene should have been over after they’d fallen into the vat of mustard. Acer looked back at Mikey and tipped his head to the side.
Acer shouted, “What’s up?”
Mikey smiled and said, “Surprise,” and then shouted, “Hose them down now, dude.”
The machine next to the pretzel vendor’s cart was a power washer. The pretzel vendor grabbed the hose and switched it on. Then he pointed it at Acer and the actor and started spraying them. The monkey on his shoulder pointed and screamed. The people on the street held their stomachs and roared. The hose was far enough away from Acer and the actor to cause any damage to them, but it was still strong enough to push Acer into the arms of the other actor. Acer didn’t have time to think. He reached down and covered his crotch with his hands while the other actor held him in place. If he hadn’t held his crotch, the power washer would have knocked his dick out of the thong. It looked like he was bending over and the other actor was trying to mount him. The hose went up and down, washing all the mustard off their bodies. And the black ski mask became so water-logged Acer had trouble breathing.
