Here’s an excerpt from THE WAY WE ALMOST WERE. This is from the beginning of the book, where the main character is going through a typical day at work. Only his work isn’t typical at all. He’s one of the stars of a bawdy TV reality show, where he does idiotic stunts and pranks, like skateboarding over a hot dog vendor in Times Square.
When Mikey stood on his mark and shouted, “Action,” Allan became Acer. He bobbed up and down for a few minutes, joking around with the other actor, acting as if he’d just returned from a drunken frat house party. His goal was too look as stupid as possible, and to show that he was willing to do any prank they dared him to do.
Mikey began to explain the scene with his deep announcer’s voice. Acer and the actor mounted the skateboards, went to the top of one ramp, and then started racing downward toward the other wooden ramp in front of the pretzel vendor and the monkey. They remained at a controlled equal distance until the last minute, and then Acer slowed down on purpose. When they reached the pretzel cart, the vendor jumped back and the poor monkey wrapped his arms around the vendor’s neck and screamed. Acer ducked and spread his arms out to maintain his balance. The stocky guy gained a five foot lead on Acer, made the leap first, and fell into the middle of the vat of mustard.
A second later, with a large group of people watching everything from the street, Acer was soaring over the pretzel cart and into the vat of mustard. The stocky actor, by then, was covered with yellow goop from head to toe. When Acer landed next to him, he wrapped his arms around the guy’s shoulders and his legs around the guy’s waist. The camera followed them; they got a good shot of the stocky guy placing his hand on Acer’s ass. It looked accidental and innocent.
The actor shouted, “Dude, I just grabbed your butt. Get the fuck off me.” Then he pushed Acer back into the mustard and laughed. The people on the street watching the scene laughed even harder. Then Acer and the actor pretended they couldn’t get their balance in the vat of mustard and continued groping each other by accident. Allan fell and pressed his check against the actor’s penis; the actor bucked his hips on purpose and laughed about it. Allan knew this would be one of the bawdier scenes they’d done.
When the scene was almost over, a couple of assistants ran to the mustard vat and helped Acer and the actor climb out. When they were on the sidewalk, covered in yellow mustard from head to toe, Mikey ran over and shouted, “Okay guys, hose them down now.”
Acer’s eyes opened wide. He looked at the other actor and shrugged his shoulders. As far as he’d been told, the scene should have been over after they’d fallen into the vat of mustard. Acer looked back at Mikey and tipped his head to the side.
Acer shouted, “What’s up?”
Mikey smiled and said, “Surprise,” and then shouted, “Hose them down now, dude.”
The machine next to the pretzel vendor’s cart was a power washer. The pretzel vendor grabbed the hose and switched it on. Then he pointed it at Acer and the actor and started spraying them. The monkey on his shoulder pointed and screamed. The people on the street held their stomachs and roared. The hose was far enough away from Acer and the actor to cause any damage to them, but it was still strong enough to push Acer into the arms of the other actor. Acer didn’t have time to think. He reached down and covered his crotch with his hands while the other actor held him in place. If he hadn’t held his crotch, the power washer would have knocked his dick out of the thong. It looked like he was bending over and the other actor was trying to mount him. The hose went up and down, washing all the mustard off their bodies. And the black ski mask became so water-logged Acer had trouble breathing.
For 28 years, I have dedicated my legal career to achieving a fairer and more representative legal system. My deep experience in the law and deep respect for our legal system brought me to work for Supreme Court Justice Carlos R. Moreno as a Supreme Court attorney, where I deal with complex legal issues in cases of statewide significance on the country’s most active and well-respected courts.
My commitment to public service, desire to help create a system that works for all people, and my work as an advocate for diversity in the legal profession and the courts inspired my decision to run for San Francisco Superior Court Judge in June of 2010.
I hope you will join my campaign and continue to visit our website for updates on how you can get involved.
Author’s Note: AMERICAN STAR is, and was always supposed to be, an adult, satirical look at what might go on behind the scenes of a TV reality show like “American Idol”. It’s both funny and campy (there’s a difference). It’s also very erotic, in the true sense of classic gay erotic fiction, and there is romance. But not the kind of romance that will leave you with wet eyes like some of my other romances. This is more of a modern romance, between very strong gay men, who do not apologize for their needs and the way they live their lives. And, many of the scenes are based on my own personal experiences as an openly gay man. I had fun writing this book, laughing at myself and with the characters.
This about as bad as you can get as far as verbal gay bashing goes. I’m posting the entire piece below instead of just linking to it. I highlighted the worst part in red. Please tweet the bottom comment, then facebook it and post it wherever you think someone will see it.
The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation is making using of social media as it asks people to tweet John Mayer to ask that he apologize for using the anti-gay F-word in a segment of his Playboy interview that spread across the Web on Thursday.
“We hope the intent behind his use of the F-word was not malicious,” GLAAD’s Entertainment Media Manager Jonathan Rosales wrote in the blog Thursday. “Mayer should be more cognizant of the impact his casual use of both slurs can have.”
In the Playboy interview, Mayer was asked if he had ever kissed a guy.
He responded: “The only man I’ve kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica [Simpson] at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.”
While Mayer apologized for his use of a racial slur using his Twitter account to spread the message. He did not specifically apologize for using the gay slur.
GLADD is asking people to copy and paste this tweet:
“Ask @johncmayer to apologize for using an anti-gay slur in his @Playboy interview http://bit.ly/dsVcAj #LGBT”